Tiger Mother revisited

Though the furor surrounding Amy Chua's book has died down considerably, I'm nearly tiger mothered out. Unbelievably, the term "tiger mother" has become part of our lexicon in a matter of months. However, I recently finished Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (thanks, Sonya) and I did promise to write about this book again. I'll admit, it wasn't quite what I was expecting. The book was, for the most part, about Chua's dedication to her daughter's musical pursuits. She talks a lot about her parents, her husband, her dogs, and all the various family dynamics between these groups. There wasn't a great deal about her general parenting or even that much about her daughter's academic lives.

My main impression of Chua and her methods hasn't changed. She was seemingly very honest and included details that did not paint her in a favorable light. I didn't feel that, at the end of the book, she had actually gained much insight into her own parenting methods or the benefits of non-Chinese methods. She was still over-generalizing about Westerners and the Chinese. She was still insulting Western parents and holding herself above us. This is from the second to last section of her book:

"All these Western parents with the same party line about what's good for children and what's not--I'm not sure they're making choices at all. They just do what everyone else does. They're not questioning anything either, which is what Westerners are supposed be so good at doing. They just keep repeating things like 'You have to give your children the freedom to pursue their passion' when it's obvious that the 'passion' is just going to turn out to be Facebook for ten hours which is a total waste of time and eating all that disgusting junk food--I'm telling you this country is going to go straight downhill! . . . I refuse to buckle to politically correct Western social norms that are obviously stupid. And not even rooted historically. What are the origins of the Playdate anyway? I actually think America's Founding Fathers had Chinese values."

Now really, what is she trying to do here? Rewrite history to her own end? Disparage the country she lives in and chose to raise her daughters in? Alienate the majority of her readers? I really don't understand. Every parent makes choices--all the time, every day. To suggest that Chinese parents are the only ones who proactively parent is farcical. And yeah, no shit, Facebook and junk food are bad for kids. Just because some parents allow their children to occasionally engage in these activities does not mean that they don't have goals and standards. Perhaps they understand what Chua does not--leisure time is an essential component in a healthy personality.

I think Chua enjoys being a martyr. Her book is full of moments when she explains just how difficult being a Chinese mother is. She never gets a break, she has to fight with her children, she never has any fun. Western parents, on the other hand, "get to have a glass of wine and go to a yoga class." So, parents, every time you think about taking some time for yourself remember -- you're weak and taking the easy way out. A good parent would relentlessly force her children to work, understanding that the hatred her children feels for her is a sign that she's succeeding. Chua continually comes back to how difficult her methods are. It's as if she's holding this over everyone -- her husband, her parents, her daughters, and most especially, her readers. Most of the people in her life tell her that she needs to calm down and lay off. Chua's responds by telling them how she'll be the one to do the hard work. Could this be the point of the book? To prove how deserving she is because she sacrificed so much and worked so hard. Considering how she ends the book, I suspect this might indeed be the case. 

Though Chua insists that everything she did was for her children and not herself (because it was not fun), I can't say I believe her. She gives herself away when she's talking about playing a venue at Carnegie Hall, "I made a mental not that we ought to try to make it there someday." Chinese parenting considers the child an extension of the self, so it doesn't actually make sense to say that Chua is not doing what she does for her children alone. All of Chua's choices are based on her own desires and standards. She acts to please herself and literally forces her daughters to do what she wants. In my opinion, taking your child's desires into account is a sign of respect for that child.

I was further troubled by the parenting split between Chua and her husband, Jed. Jed did not always agree with her methods and often tried to stop her from being so harsh and unrelenting. Because they had decided to be a "united front," however, Jed never actually stepped in and stopped any of the abusive behavior. He allowed his wife to insult, threaten and belittle his daughters. He stood back while she dominated their schedule with constant work with an hour of "optional" family fun time every week. He didn't intervene when she made her daughter practice until 1 am the night before her Carnegie Hall recital. None of his attempts to warn Chua about her harmful behavior made any difference. She just insulted him and disagreed for the sake of being right. Chua never allowed her mother-in-law to have a full day with her granddaughters. There was, she explained, no room in their schedule. How could a son not take action when faced with this situation? Sorry mom, the girls are too busy to spend the day with their grandmother. The violin is more important than you are. This, to me, is very sad. For someone who supposedly thinks she owes her parents everything, she had very little respect for what her mother-in-law needed from her.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Chua's strange relationship with her dogs. Consider the following passage:

"My dogs can't do anything--and what a relief. I don't make any demands of them, and I don't try to shape them or their future. For the most part, I trust them to make the right choices for themselves. I always look forward to seeing them, and I love just watching them sleep. What a great relationship."

Does this strike anyone else as a little crazy? This conclusion comes after she realizes she can't apply Chinese parenting to her dogs. Good grief! This woman has no perspective.

I'm torn on whether to recommend this book. It's a bit of a train wreck. It made me angry at times and I still don't understand her extreme focus on perfection. Even as she explains how it didn't work with her youngest daughter, she's convincing herself it's the only way. I guess you should see for yourself what you think. I'm not a convert.