I hardly know where to begin. Life feels like a mess, in so many ways. Andrew is back at work, Lucinda has started daycare and is cutting a tooth, Deston has begun a new program at school (morning tutorial), and my job is busier than ever. As I write this, I'm ignoring the mess in my kitchen, the laundry that needs to be done, the pile of paperwork to sort and deal with, and probably ten other things that I'd like to clean up/put away/get rid of. The revelation that life is busy when you have two little kids is not actually a revelation. My friends with two kids already know this. Saying it's hard to balance demanding jobs with home life is also familiar to lots of people. Is it worth talking about these things? I guess since I need to talk about it the answer is yes. I have an intense need to make sense of the chaos that surrounds me. I want to sort it out, put it away, make it orderly. The chaos resists every time.
Weekends are a marathon where we try to figure out what needs to be done, who's going to do it, and how we'll find some fun in the midst of lots of work. Laundry: We need clean clothes and it can only be done on Saturday because Andrew works on Sundays now. Spending time with my kids: We don't get too much face time during the week, so this too is a priority on the weekends. Sunday needs to become my day to slow down and enjoy these people I decided to bring into the world. Homework: Catching Deston in a mood to sit down and bring a positive attitude to his schoolwork is like chasing a butterfly with a net. Writing on this blog: This is a tough one. I'd like to write more. Writing helps me process my inner life. I want to keep friends and family updated about our life. Sitting down to get complete thoughts out is time consuming, however. If it comes down to sitting on the couch and catching up on "Top Chef" with Andrew or writing a post, I'm going to choose the former 9 times out of 10. If we're lucky, we manage to keep our eyes open for the whole episode!
Breaking the cycle of feeling stressed out and overwhelmed is tough for me. I have to constantly remind myself that as difficult as life is, we're living it and our efforts are bearing fruit. I have to stop myself from giving in to the "woe is me" moments. There are many days when I'm staring at a list of problems and I have no idea how I'm going to solve them. I've been thinking that maybe I need to stop expecting to get things done. What if I go into a weekend without the expectation of accomplishing anything? If I don't pressure myself to wash all the dishes, will I feel better? The groceries must be bought and the floors will need to be swept, but can I let go a little and "do" without the frantic desire to cross shit off the long to-do list? I just don't know.
My mother, the lighthouse to my ship in a storm, tells me to stop being so hard on myself. My baby returns my smile and I remember to lighten up. Deston reminds me to calm down. Andrew insists on hugging me when I'm in a terrible mood. I take a deep breath. I don't always love the way my life is but I do love the people that help me get through it.
Thanks to all my readers for accepting these feelings into your lives. If it helps, leave a problem you're having in the comments. Write down a shitty feeling you wish you never had to feel again. I use this space to try and let go of what's bothering me. I invite you to do the same.
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